I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
