i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
