My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize