If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
