I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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