It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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