I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
