So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
