My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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