I'm so fucking centered right now
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
