I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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