We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize