I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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