I just threw up on my dentist
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
