i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
