she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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