Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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