True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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