Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize