I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I could fuck to npr.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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