I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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