I wish my penis had an off switch
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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