Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize