Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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