I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
