I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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