I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize