first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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