I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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