My liver just broke up with me...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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