Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
