I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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