the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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