It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
