glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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