Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
