A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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