Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
