I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
