woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
