K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize