made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
