some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
