So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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