i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize