return my video game
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
