That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
