I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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