I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
