Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Randomize
