he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she peed on how many people?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
