he shaved USA in his pubs
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
