White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
