Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
