no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
