i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
