ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
