My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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